it's all so confusing,

actions versus words.

I try to see the actions, and read between the words.
But those words!
How can I ignore what she said when it's all I can think about?

As much as I hate using this word, sometimes it's just appropriate.

FUCK!

no matter how you phrase it,

obsessed with this medium,
consumed by these words,
enchanted by her looks,
bewitched by her touch,
addicted to her voice,
tormented by her heart;

no matter how you phrase it,
I'm becoming it.

so help me, Buddha

It's okay that I'm not enough for you.
I'm okay with the fact that you need more than a stupid girl who made a mistake.
I've tried and tried and tried to convince myself of that wholly. I thought I'd succeeded.
But my heart skipped a beat when I saw those three words, and what a cruel twist if fate if they weren't meant the way I thought; or even worse if they weren't meant for me at all.

I don't think I could live through that.

yesterday, tomorrow, today

Yesterday was about the excitement of seeing her,
the novelty of unfamiliar children; the aftermath of a wonderful, spectacular night together.
It was about giggles and nonsensical musicals and those who are blind, deaf, and dumb while still being able to see, hear, and speak.

Today is about tears, and being incredulous that people are capable of believing one another; physical pain and wanting to destroy what was around me to reflect what I felt inside. It is about stealing, and losing, and getting all the pain I put her through dealt back to me.

Tomorrow will be about downcast eyes and blackened words,
unsuccessfully hiding my tangled feelings from the world. It will be about touching music and poignant monologues; cupcakes and juices and cookies and missed connections.

I've never cried over a girl before,

the pain is so different and physical.

I thought I could do this.

And I can't.

tonight

No one has ever held this power over me.
And it scares me, beyond belief.
I want to get out now but I just can't hide,
this rope she's holding on to keeps my hands tied.
I can't get away,
I'm like an animal chained to a stake who can smell the fire coming closer and closer, the burning wood crackling and popping and terrifying.
All my instincts tell me to just drop it and let it be, to walk away, to let her win.

Have I done this to people before?
Will it happen to me again?

please ignore

I wish there was some way for me to get this through to you.
This burning desire I have to inform you of yourself won't let me sleep;
Even as I write these words sleep scratches at my brain and pulls at my eyelids, but I cannot give myself over just yet.
Words cannot describe the potential I see in you, the potential that makes itself gradually more apparent each and every day.
Your eyes are as bright as the stars on a clear night, as dark as the stones that surround us.
Your smile, ever elusive and shy, appears at the sincerest of times and melts my heart.
The fire that I know burns in your heart for someone else drives me wild on nights like tonight,
reminding me of all I have lost and all that we could have, if only you weren't so blinded.

फुक्क में स्पोच्क!

And so here I am again,
uploading this page for the thousandth time.

After prying your mind apart and reading your emotions like the convoluded novels that they are, I've realized that I have no hold in your heart. I tried to keep myself away to protect you, never realizing that I'd actually get hurt.

But deservedly, as always. At least I have that comfort, of knowing that all the hurt I get is deserved. It's more than a lot of people can say, those victims of senseless pain. It makes it easier to sleep at night, knowing that karma exists and does what has always been said to, and that the people who have done me wrong will receive their comeuppance.

But I don't want her to. I want her to be happy. So I'll be the heartbroken one this time around. It will be easy to pretend like it didn't matter much, that she was just like every other guy. I hope.

She'll forget me. Every other guy always did.

And you, Mr. Spock; you made my prom night.

extraordinary

your words are surprisingly biting
so much poison in such a small dose
I almost think you take yourself too seriously
after all, we've only just arrived here.