It's days like these

that make me question my decision to hoard my psychological and emotional flaws like a sleek, greedy dragon curled around islands of flat, round gold.

I guess I don't understand myself as well as I thought I did. Although that very notion is absurd and incredibly foreign, because really, how can someone not understand oneself? I am the person I know best, it does not follow that I cannot know myself. I don't know anyone, with that logic.

Life is frustrating. And I have so many plans but I lack lasting motivation. The future is murky and I really cannot function without a fucking checklist. How am I supposed to make a list if people keep changing their minds around me? How can I build a foundation for myself if my building blocks keep trying to slink away?

My dad called me a senior screw-up today. Nice. Right? It's alliteration, so it must be true.

Eyelash

I wish that anger was something you could bottle and put on a shelf. I'd wrench this poisonous bulb out of the pit of my stomach and stuff it in that bottle and just let it simmer. It'd be like wine, or cheese; just getting better as it gets older. While he's out cavorting with Love I'd gather the tiny red thorns of rage and fashion myself a crown to gather dust on the shelf next to the bottle until a later date. I'd sharpen my claws and teeth and wits on rocks split in half from the fury of my gaze, and I'd weave the hot, unbearably satisfying sensation of blood boiling into a heavy, dark cloak of velvet and pockets to hold my barbed temper. I'd shine my armor and polish my helmet and cut the air with vicious strokes, and when ready I'd lie in wait, flash-frozen until the time comes to seek revenge.

It just upsets me to know that, when it matters, I won't be angry anymore.

You know, Watson

Sherlock Holmes didn't let his Watson leave him so easily.

Straight from the mouths of babes

Stupid: -adjective
1. Lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. Characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless.
3. Tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless.
4. Annoying or irritating; troublesome.
5. In a state of stupor; stupefied.
6. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
7. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
8. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless.
9. Pointless, worthless.

-noun
6. Informal. a stupid person.

-Related forms
stupidly, adverb
stupidness, noun
unstupid, adjective
unstupidly, adverb
unstupidness, noun

Synonyms: brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, doltish, dopey, dull, dumb, dummy, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, laughable, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, out to lunch, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, shortsighted, simple, simpleminded, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thick-headed, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless.

I am all of these things. Take your pick.

You know that feeling.

I know you do. That feeling when you want something too much, when your stomach twists and your blood runs hot and thick through your veins, and your palms sweat and you just can't think straight. You're restless, always fidgeting, pushing the hair back from your forehead, rubbing your arms, fingernails scraping along your flesh, digits flexing, wrists turning--

You can see it. It's so fucking close to your trembling fingers, and your ears are ringing with want, and you can taste it on your tongue, along your teeth, wicked stripes of bitter flavor coating the inside of your mouth and it just won't go away.

Your eyes are glazed and the ceiling of your mind is papered-- plastered-- with the overwhelming, all-consuming, fiery, passionate fucking need; and it's all you can do to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep going, a robotic sheen in your electric eyes and monotonous movements.

I know it's out there. That want, that need is snuffling wetly around my doorstep, blowing my scent through its lungs like a Hound, snorting and rolling its eyes and waiting. It's just fucking waiting for me to open my door and cautiously stick my head out, and the proboscis will slide forth from her sheath, smooth and shining, and end me.

I know it's late, but

I just COULD NOT fucking resist this picture of Rupert Grint. Honestly.



I am SO amused.

Meet Artemis!

He's the furry one in the middle.

Just

started reading The Catcher in the Rye. Holden's a pretty interesting guy. His use of expletives gets old. But he makes me laugh nonetheless. Also, his habit of spelling crummy "crumby" is distracting, and I find myself adding the 'b' in in my head.

Sleeping alone in the secluded bedroom tonight. I can see the darkness creeping in, but for some reason I'm not afraid. I've the feeling I normally would be. Maybe it's the magical quality of being on vacation. You assume all the wonderful things will happen, just like the movies; you are untouchable by the wicked hand of Tragedy.

Tragedy will get you if She wishes. The crashing waves and salty sea air do not keep Her at bay. New walls surrounding the same old pillow where you lay your head is not Her Wolf's bane. Dreams will lured Her in, and you will fall prey just as soon as you'd've at home.

Holden used a really good double contraction. Couldn't've. I liked it. I commended him silently.

Interesting weekend. Interesting kiss. Spectacular, even.

Looking forward to a lazy and productive week, contradictory as that may be. Hope no one expected to talk to me much these next few days. I finished Fahrenheit 451 today, and I expect to finish the Catcher in the Rye tonight. I've 5 other novels, a book of essays, and a collection of Neruda's poetry (with original Spanish versions) to work through. So excited for it.