I've been

gently but rather suddenly slapped in the face by updated familarity brandishing nostalgia like a cold, dead fish.




I've been properly and abruptly PWNED.

explanations

I don't know if I should post this. Because it's pretty late at night, and some say the moon affects your judgement. I know things always seem like a better idea at night. But maybe I need it, to release my inhibitions.

So I suppose I owe some people explanations. And so here I am.

First, I'm sorry. My brutal retaliation was pretty much backlash for so easily letting go of me, like our friendship meant nothing to you. Which I'm still wholly convinced it did. So congratulations for still having the hearts of our friends. And as for hers, well, as much as she says it's mine I know better. There's no way to win, for either of us. For any of us.

Secondly, to you I am also sorry. If I had known, I would have chosen to be your best friend, not the one you love, because then you could have had everything you wanted. I thought about it honestly, to myself, and I realized that I wouldn't handle things the way she did. But we're different people, it's to be expected. But I wish. I wish, for our sakes as well as yours.

Thirdly, I'm so glad you're getting away from this shithole. I want you to spread your wings and do things I can't imagine, go places I'll never go. Meet a cute boy and have a meaningful relationship in a short amount of time. Make up with your mom. Become a grown-up. Because lord knows one of us needs to.

I

hope you're happy. Truly.

nameless, faceless, hopeless, clueless

I'm so sick of half-hearted words and fake smiles and missed calls and worrying and not understanding what you're saying and not knowing what's going on and not having the courage to tell you to stop the bullshit and tell me what's really going on between you and her, you and me. I don't understand and I'm afraid to offend. Fuck me.

*censored*

I love you, Lucy. You bear with me through so much, and you hardly ask for anything in return. I'm really going to miss you. I can't wait for senior year together.

Av'ry, you deserve better than being ignored. That's all I'm saying.

इ लव योऊ

I feel like there's an explosion just waiting to happen, and we're caught in the middle of it. Pain is assured, but I can't disengage. I can't let go. I can't let you go.

I don't want to. I want to be heartbroken because then I'll know that what I feel for you is real; that this whole thing wasn't just some fever dream.

If I could wake you every morning with a quiet kiss and a soft touch, I would.
If I could tell you I love you as the clock chimes the hours every day, I would.
If I could fall asleep next to you with arms around you every night, I would.
If I could wake in the middle of the night and check that you're breathing, check that you're still alive and here with me, I would.

I'd quietly marvel at your beauty and silently pray for you, to a god that I don't even know exists. I'd run my fingers over your face and preserve your memory, to think about when that day comes and you'll be gone from me.

इ लव योऊ

without purpose

we have no reason to live.

Right now, and for the next two short months, my purpose and sole reason to live, is to make you happy.