Speechless

I'm so fucking angry. On one hand I want to rail and yell and scream and fight with him, because maybe after all that's done we can be us again.

But I don't think that's going to happen. And that makes me even more pissed. What the fuck.

The worst part is that I don't feel like I can write anymore. I'm rarely proud of my words now. Nothing makes sense in the same way. It's not some huge shift in my universe. It's just a subtle twist and slide that makes everything shine strangely. It's like the world's in color when it was in black and white. Not better, not worse. Just different. And unfamiliar.

I hate feeling like the inferior one, like the one who has to beg to get back into good graces. Like I'm the one who has to force us to be the way we were. It shouldn't have to be like that.

It's strange how I feel like I know exactly how she feels now. Or felt, I suppose. He reminds me of myself so much. I can't believe I ever acted like that, but I really can. I'm appalled. But the fact that I've realized it now is good. A step in the right direction.

I'm going to change.